The Runaway Child

Years ago, I was the type of person who allowed my past to take part in my current. Which resulted in a dimmer future and a very struggling present. I get easily angry whenever my past haunts me, I get irritated when my past reminds me of faces. I get so damn fucked up whenever my past comes flashing, it brought me to nowhere but my fall. My life, it was as dark as of the night skies without the moon and the stars.

One day..

Then came a time, I came to my senses. Knowing the fact that instead of walking with my head held high and with both my feet on the ground, I was crawling, instead of running I knew that I was rolling my way out. It was heavy, everything, they’re circling and stuck. Same place, same faces, same me. It was all blurry and heavy. I have decided to examine, what is it. What I was lacking? What was it that made my life seem so miserable instead of a privilege it felt like a burden. I breathed, but I couldn’t hear my heartbeat. I smile, but couldn’t even define what happiness means. I laughed, but deep inside I was breaking. What went wrong? And what should I do? One day, I question myself. What is it that you want? What is it and where are you heading?

In between…

In between past and present, pain hides. It lurked. It stays. It was carved, the more painful my past is, the heavier and darker my present is. The more my future blurs. No light, no hope, faith is faltering. Why? Why would I allow my past to toy with me? Why have I let my emotions get me? Why did I let people stomp on me? Why? Why? Just why?

Why should I let my past control my present, pollute my future and control me?

It was a struggle, it took a lot of time for me to get over. I did all I could and was supposed to. Just so I can free myself. There is no better teacher than of our past, that’s a given and it’s a fact. It’s just that, it should allow and keep us moving forward. It should not manipulate, hold and stop us from living. Yeah, I do not spend time thinking of my past. I choose to stpp forward and think of my present. It is..

Present over past and future….for once my present gets through things. My future will reveal itself to me…

I am the type of person who doesn’t find joy in material things, I prefer connection. The deeper kind of connection of which someone knows what are you going through even without you telling anyone, someone who notices my silence and acknowledge my noise. That kind of connection when I am being looked at, than ignored.

Deep bond, deep connection…the greatest feeling of wanted and need. Not for convenience but for the mere fact that my existence matters and my presence is being acknowledged. Not in a superficial way but in a deeper means.

I went to The College of Criminology…studied Criminal law and justice. It was something my parents wanted when they saw two of my cousins take it and looked very cool. They thought in our household I’d be the perfect fit for such a thing. While I had another college to attend in mind, I got admitted and stayed for more than four years.

It was a struggle, I did not ever wish to become a pursuer of bad people as a kid. After High School, I wanted to go to a business college since I had no say about it. I have to do what I can to survive the manly world of Criminology, I got my license too after taking the exam once. But it wasn’t something that I wanted passionately, so I ended up wandering around looking for things that I wanted to do.

An extra time after working hard, that time where you can just go lazy and be carelessly playful(for fun and entertainment). Sitting not having to worry about doing the dishes or laundry, walking in the streets not worrying about being late.

Playtime is not having to rush in between time, no due dates, no curfew, no time limit.