How would you be put 4 movies into one picture and write  piece  of they seem to be relatable at some point? like, connecting them all together and come with something about it?

Ever since I was young and despite not having our own television at home. We would visit a nearby relative so we can somehow watch TV from their home. Anime like Ghost Fighter, Slam Dunk, Dragon Ball Z, Gundam Wing, Voltes V and so on. American action series like Virtual Troopers and of course the world’s one of the famous live action kiddie series The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Other groupie action fantasy series’ like Fiveman and Bioman, and so us the famous Ultra Man.

Not to forget we need to have our dinner early so we can also catch up with the news and local Television Series in The Philippines. Having said that, we were also exposed to watching movies via Video Home System or VHS in one of my aunts’ house. I got expose to many shows and movies, that made me love watching TV back then.

Until around 1998 when we were able to get an electricity connection, which later on followed by having an old TV in black and white a used TV from our relative. Yeah, we actually got our first black and white TV as soon as the colored ones were out in the market and our relatives began to upgrade theirs. Used refrigerator, used radio cassette set and then later some used VHS. The transition was quite amusing, I fell inlove with music and movies eventually.

When Disney launched High School Musical it made my teen years very lively and fun, from Hilary Duffs cute Lezzie McGuire to Lindsay Lohan’s The Parent Trap. I must admit, I’ve had my teen years be filled with pink and peaches kin of color shades. I was not a fan of Miley’s Hannah Montana but I was aware of it for it became a hit as well. Unlike other teens who can eventually buy their merchandizes or posters and other purchasable items from those, I have settled on understanding the story. The moral of each stories, like of how Lezzie McGuire accidentally found her self stuck with her doppleganger and how it paved her a way to what she is so passionate about.

 Those teenage stuffs sank into my senses and I have been using those to help me cope up or understand the cycle of my growth and how could it possibly turn me from s shy teenage girl to a confident one. Apart from that, I get to understand and learn English a lot easier than they do it in my school. Well, one thing that didn’t change after binging onto those movies and series though I still suck at school and lazy doing all the works out there.

One thing is, I don’t watch too dramatic or those heavy stories especially those labelled and are adaptation of real life stories of people who suffered a lot upon living their lives. Why? My life wasn’t easy already and I barely smile  because of real dramas surrounding it which usually were family affairs. Even at school, I was glad that my mother could not get me into every film-viewing in schools for we don’t have that much and my parents could not afford. I am okay with losing a point, than watch those dramatic movies of students are to create reactions and insights.

I prefer happy and fun stuffs back then and it helped me quite a lot to survive the roller coaster kind of ride in my life, then I became too busy surviving and forgot to make a life I guess. I was stuck with stuffs to get by, I forgot how it was and all I think of is how do I reach my goals. As I have been binging to K-Drama and K-Movies quite a lot already, I have later realized that I am thirsty for something. Stories were captivating and entertaining enough but none of those stories have filled the hole in my now long past adult life.

I laughed, cried and felt all sorts of emotions upon binging on each of those and yet my soul seemed to long for something, that deep searching of something to touch and caress my soul. It was like that, I have watched Wednesday in Netflix and it felt great but not filling any of those longing. Then, I came upon this The Pale Blue Heart also in Netflix, and I fell inlove with their Edgar Allan Poe character while I found out that Mr. Landor was Christian Bale to my surprise! I barely recognize him, going back, after that the EAP character by Harry Melling had lead me to my deeper longing. I started writing again about random thoughts and point of views out of my head and I just got bored. It was then that I have realized that I needed something else.

Something that must shake my head and feed my soul with, upon desperately scrolling up and down from every genres I came across in Netflix app. Craig David’s Glass Onion and Knives Out aught my attention, I binged in all two. My head have felt very much fed with the plots and twists and how the story have then challenged my brain, I spent one day racking my head and I can still feel my soul knocking from my heart frustratingly asking for something.

I was never a fan of Will Smith and I do not watch his movies as well on my own accord, especially that movie The Pursuit of Happyness which I believed was one of his greatest movies. In addition to that, I accidentally hit the play button of his Seven Pounds movie. I indulged into it and I was indeed moved, he is a great actor and the stories were fascinatingly insightful. At my current state of mind, The Pursuit of Happyness was truly impactful. I was there and I am currently there in that kind of situation. Chris Gardner’s everyday life was unimaginably horrifying, terrifying and very tiring. Every scene had taken me to every stages of my life, the lies the truth the excuses the tears and sweats and all the running. I feel like I was catching my own breathe whenever he ran his way to where he wishes to go.

How demoralization and degrading his ability impacted and affected the motivation, and just of how his son’s trust have given him all the reassurance that despite the hurtful criticism from his wife he’s got one person who truly believed in him. in every time we choose to take a road of where we believed we could do better and be happy, those you loved were usually be the first to discourage and shake you. I’ve felt that, and in every circumstances that occurs there are compromises and difficult choices that we must take.

Rough road greets those who wanted to pursuit something so desperately but success becomes a great reward for those who persevere. It is not even how good your grades are nor that of how well dressed one is, it is always how you believed in your self and what result do you wish to see at the end of the rough path. Desperations and frustrations will eventually put your courage and faith to devastating results at some point, thus, when you use it to strengthen you. Those weakness will eventually push you higher than you can imagine.

This is from someone living the same difficult life, horrifying every day life, tiring job and dealing with constant frustrations and battling against destructive criticisms on a day to day basis and still able to move her fingers onto the keyboard and write this piece of something random inspired by how one should face all the mystery and misery of life.

KNIVES OUT FOR A SEVEN POUNDS OF GLASS ONION TO THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS…

Ps. Let me know how you guys find the last line..does it make sense? I mean the in an overall contextual sense. Thanks a lot!

Sometimes, I am but one clumsy individual who falls on every life’s shitty hole. That I know could not be helped, so yeas a break from falling onto those perty holes.

I’ve met a soul through a chaotic one, that in darkness it pulls me from. It was but sudden, like a glaze of dashing lights. An accidental crossing of paths of my other side. I chose to see what lies ahead, and there I see nothing but black and white shades. I can feel both warm and cold, as I came aboard my wondering thoughts.

Thus in my heart, it leaves a wreck. A vision of me, while I was wide awake. A reflection that I have tried to deplete, the worst and nothing but the ruins of me. It was surreal, thought I’ve gone insane. I saw who I am without seeing what I am, my purpose is concealed. That it refuses to reveal itself, rip me up with all my vanity. That I wish to be let alone on darkness of thee, a conversation within my demon and me.

Knowing one’s own root is more likely knowing the whole of it, like having to experience it at hand. As there’s this belief that goes, in order for one to know the other must take an opportunity walking on that someone’s shoes. Okay, before that. Being an Asian has its perks, we are everywhere! It doesn’t matter what we do, the fact remains that we are all over in every places.

Despite being prone to discrimination, we choose to thrive to where we choose to go. What we were taught back home is to be more flexible and adaptive, I won’t say we travel far and leave our land because we don’t stand a chance to land a job. There are jobs everywhere, we jut don’t like to get paid little. We expect to receive more than what our system can and we refuse to settle onto something we feel like we don’t deserved.

We spend 19-20 years working our asses studying only to receive that little? No way! Kidding, in my part I only wanted to work farther to get away from this whole Asian kind of stuffs. I mean we Filipinos are being raised by our parents, but for others I am pretty much sure it differs from mine. I of course dreamt to have a more stable career which could definitely give me a more stable financial status, who wouldn’t like that right? But, I rather live in an average life than of forcing my self to go along the flow and grovel my way to please everyone.

I am the fifth amongst seven children, born from a below average earning household. Oh that’s one thing we Filipinos are used to, usually those who doesn’t have that much tends to have more kids than of those wealthy and rich families. I wonder of whether having more children in a wealthy household means paying a lot of tax or they get penalties for it? But to be honest, being poor and rich in siblings means the merrier life is in everyday. When I say merrier, having to witness my 3 older sisters quarrel and argue everyday and worst pulling each other’s hair until someone could help stop them from going bald.

On a daily basis, we get to eat three times a day with greens. Vegetables all day, or salted tiny fish which we call bagoong isda (fish paste) or bagoong alamang (shrimp paste) and some greens boiled in the water with lemon grass, tomato and every kinds of greens!! A whole small native chicken stew chopped or cut into bite size equally divided to each of us is being served on some occasion. So, with these introductory words in mind, can you now begin to picture out the whole scenario? Okay, going back.

Being born in a huge family has both negative and positive impact, one positive impact is that we won’t miss out during playtime since we are a bunch of kids after all. There is no dull moment, not even once I am pretty much sure. Having three sisters, I do not worry about buying clothes or school uniform since I can just have theirs. Chores are divided, I mean supposedly. Unfortunately you’d be hearing the eldest passing hers to the younger ones and the younger ones would not stopped complaining until all of them receives an earful from an irritated mother.

It was truly fun until I began to understand things that are going on, our big family has its down-moments too, no matter how jolly we were as kids. This is when we get to hear our parents argue about money, worried of what and how to feed us and how to survive whenever father earned little. Above all, when father would come home drunk and wasted. It’s hell for everyone.

Now that’s where this piece is going, the most unpleasant truth about being born poor. I honestly call our family as poor since we are able to go to school and have 3 meals in a day, but that’s how this society calls and addresses those who have less.  Was raise having to understand what I have, I don’t have and I can’t have. I can have my proper meals in a day, I don’t have the leisure even for an hour and can’t have unnecessary expenses. A new pair of school shoes is already difficult even if I change shoes just once in every year, that I have to wear the same pair of worn out shoes for two years during High School. With status unstable as it is, our parents have one thought in mind and that is the goal to send us seven to school.

Luckily, my siblings are bright and smart while I am lazy and didn’t like studying. I’ve got the most average grades and poor as it may seem I am not interested with school related stuffs, neither would I defy my parents’ dream to see us all finish our studies. That’s my parents being Asian Parents, expectations is above the average and with the capacity I am on? Who would dare imagine that I can get through and get a degree? However, it was a degree that I didn’t dream of having. I too that course to make them fulfill their wish, I was the third amongst the seven to get a degree. Two of my older sisters refused to obey and yet suffered with a not so good life. I did followed, obeyed and the result was even overwhelming for I passed the licensure examination and yet I didn’t feel like doing it.

I went chasing for my freedom, I wanted to be free from all the expectations and just live a simple life following where my heart longed to be. I was so passionate about at and poems, however, I was not allowed to do it when I was in High School cause my parents’ cannot afford having an additional expenses. Especially to a child who seem to dislike studying, I was honest about my interest in flourishing my skills but was not given the slightest chance ever. I wanted to dance and play sports hoping to help me identify my self. Bu non of my attempts were honored, and one time I did it I suffered from my mother’s cold treatment for the whole week. I stopped thinking about writing, dancing and art and tried harder to at least avoid and prevent my self from failing every subjects.

I did managed and passed everything, but I wasn’t happy at all nor have I felt excitement at all and to me, having to study Criminal law was just an obligation and an order I needed to comply and obey. I have no grudge against my parents for all those stuffs, I do understand their reasons. My parents were mocked and laughed by our relatives and neighbors for being poor and having to raise seven kids on their own while earning really less than what we should have for our daily needs. I could hear my father tell me how he got humiliated by his peers and cursed to never be able to have even just one of his child finish college. That was enough for me to give up my desire to help my parents earn their keeps in this cruel and judgemental society.

Asians or not, it is the society that have set harsh standards, based on other people’s arrogance. Sometimes based on rich people’s view and those who have high standards on their own and tried to set their standards for us to forcibly comply with. If being Asian or being a Filipino means living life within and according to these standards, then I would have to give up my roots and forget everything. However, despite not being able to achieve what I desire and not being able to get a high paying job or at least that career aligned with my skills and talent, I am still proud being an Asian being Asian and a Filipino raised to be someone who would stand side by side with those who suffers from all these bullshit!! We Asians love our roots and no matter where we go, what life have we lived in our homeland we still choose to be Asians being Asian who pays respect to our motherland!!!!