Like the dawning of light, the rain gushed into my heart. Springtime came like glitters of golden dust, covering the sheer madness of black and white. Lonely are those who failed to see the day, glorious are the ones who bathe in the flooding spree.
Did the pain flee? Have the soothing cold frenzy set you free?
Barefoot, walk into the alley of your sanity. Let solitude warm your vanity, even when lightning strikes be at peace bleed it out with sincerity. Broken are not the hearts that have found love, only those that failed to recognize what it was. But like the spring that holds no wrath, one cannot wither without having to grow from the past.
I no longer remember how first kiss taste….nor the first touch ever felt. Like how distance the earth holds, it was like but meteors pivoting in the vastness of cold. In shambles of gallows I hold no warmth, just paleness of greys in shades of black and white.
If I am to need you, allow me to beg for it. If I am to be swooned, I’d love to see it come true. If I am to find love, can we do it together? If I am to be wanted, I’d wish to be like the moon at night. If I were to stop falling, I’d be like a leafless branch of a tree. If I am to love, I’d die again and again just to love you.🖤
I thought wounds hurt differently, so as got a broken heart for the second time. I once had a 7-year-old relationship, of which 5 years was spent on the normal run. It was something I thought would be with me for a lifetime, until I spent 2 years analyzing of whether or not to fight and hold onto it.
It was disheartening and I was one of the many broken-hearted people who promised not to fall inlove again. Let alone, there was cheating involved. My ex cheated on me which made the pain double, the memories bitter and the days gloomy every day.
But then, just like the others who promised not to fall inlove again. I did, my heart became whole again and I saw a better future – assumed I did. It went on 5 years, straight 5 years of a normal run. Including all the arguments, discussions, and plans for the future and so on. But in the 6th year, it went south – again.
The only promise I can make to someone is that, no matter what happens I will never let go and I will remain faithful to that promise. I define love as something that could MAKE or BREAK you. I can turn you into someone better or I can break you down to the worst version of you.
My 2nd girlfriend, I poured what I can. We are in a long-distance relationship and all I can do is pour whatever it is that I can give. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough for her to feel secure and safe. I still lack at something and she demanded it, as I failed to give whatever that was missing. She violated my ultimate pleading, to never break my trust.
It happened not just once nor thrice, but since I am in no position to act like I was not at fault especially whenever I ask her for her reasons she would say, because you have changed, because I haven’t felt the same emotion, the same feelings like I used to get from you. I felt bad, and in silence, I would ask myself. Was it worth it? Like breaking my trust just because?
I always believe in letting go than cheating or lying. If you are no longer happy with me, do let me know and I will be the one to set you free so you won’t have to suffer anymore. But then, she chose to break my trust many times and I always let it slide for many times as well. Until, she did again. And I went on asking myself do I look like a joke? A pushover?
I spent days reflecting on whatever I had done to turn the person into such a kind, someone who rejected and ignored my pleading not to break my trust again. I shed a river of tears, my heart was breaking. After decluttering my thoughts, I have decided to let the person go. For me, I no longer want to be treated that way and for her, I don’t wish her to become a monster that I’d hate.
I did understand her reasons, but I failed to give what she specifically wanted despite trying my best to give what I could. At the same time, I do think of myself as someone who at least deserves the respect above anyone else does. The love we had for each other had broken us both, me to that person incapable of giving it all and her to that person who chooses to break someone’s heart with lies.
The pain was like how my heart got its first breaking, dreams and plans shattered. I hurt her for being not good enough, and she hurt me for not being good enough. I remember the lyrics from Coldplay and Selena Gomez’ Let Somebody Go…love is equal to the pain.
It doesn’t matter if it’s the first or second or thrice times my heart got broken. As my love is pure and true, so as the amount of pain that it equalled to. Just remember when you are in pain, choose to break-up in calm and respectful manner. After all, that person is the same person whom you shared precious moments with. Cherish the memories, and watch the person fly away with a smile.
I came like the wind, in a whirring sound of thunders. Or that of a lightning, that strikes once a rainy evening. Perhaps the beaming ray of sun, once the dawn breaks through the horizon. A glimpse of hope, in the world unknown.
Perhaps I am drawn to you, like bees to a flower. Who chases the scent of sweetness, of that of a petal or honey? Like the waves rushing ashore, or the blue sky reflections. The glittering touch of tortoise, I am drawn to you by my own choice.
I wouldn’t dare leave your side, or shall this heart meet its demise. Like how Romeo and Juliet faced their fate, of a love believed to be cursed to the grave. I am drawn to only you, therefore I shall dare not love no one but you.
I offer caregiving services, but technology is not a part of it as such a job requires manual labour and no shortcut on feeding, cleaning and bathing an elderly.
Like the wind, I’ll soon come to my end. Not in the saddest exit, but rather sitting near the golden sunset. Where flowers bloom, or waves come ashore. One day I’ll bid farewell, to both my life and existence.
If memories of me will be remembered, do it with a smile and laugh like we are still together. Weep for not too long, grief but don’t be alone. I’ll still be with you day by day, through our once but precious memories.
I won’t be needing compliments that I never have heard, nor would I wish for apologies that I don’t deserve. If one day I’ll be gone forever, send me off without faking any emotions. Like the heated salty water, I’d love to feel it burn my skin.
One day, if so that one day comes. Remember to forget not the bad things that I have done, in between swearing words and tears let’s keep the fun. Cause one day I might not return, don’t cry too hard please just keep it cool. For all the fleeting things like I, will be the stars that watch you every night.
What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?
With my creative mind and poetic features, with a guitar playing skill or a piano could maybe turn me into a musician. A song-writer. I can put melody into my poems, I can put music into my words.
“Minsan, di ko na alam paano ko papawiin yong pagod ko.”
Sa trabaho, sa sarili ko, sa mga tao…paano ko papawiin ang pagod kong umintindi na…SIGE LANG THEY DON’T KNOW YOU WELL..let them.
I can speak a thousand words to fill the void that other people feel, but never has there been one who tried to fill in the void I have inside.
This is the saddest reality for extremely empathetic people..all they know is to give everything they have. Only to realize that nothing is left.
One day, they’ll wake up staring at the blank space. Asking of whether or not they too, deserve, even just a little respect.
Then another day passed by, and all the warmth melted and turned them into cold-blooded monsters who had decided to stop whatever had been exhausting them.
There are so many difficulties in a person’s life, things and facts that are too difficult to process and absorb. For instance, saying sorry, saying goodbyes, admitting to fault, leaving a toxic relationship, cutting ties with people who aren’t good to keep, and choosing between what you want from what you really need.
Other people are gifted to seeing, or anticipating what lies ahead. While there are those, like me, who doesn’t mind jumping off the cliff head first with uncertainties in mind. Risk taker are prone to uncertainties, and I was fine with that since in my entire life. Nothing was certain about it other than I have to find my purpose in order for me to keep living this life.
As I get older, I thought I am getting wiser as well. For some things, yeah I am, but for what really matters it’s all but uncertain twist and turns. Lately, I kept thinking about the journey I dare take. Undeniably, I have learned a lot, discovered my self, about 80% of self discovery was unlocked, well maybe, or maybe not. I am indeed become uncertain than certain!(taps forehead and sighed)
My life is kind of amusing when I try to look past me. I saw myself struggling my way to where I am right now, all the sweat and tears I have to put up with. I was amazed at how eager was I to take the road I was told to never take, the road to discovering myself. I was someone who said sorry every time, I was someone who bows head when being scolded fairly or unjustly. I was always told to be sorry and never justify.
Years and years have gone by, I just learned one thing. I shouldn’t let anyone do that to me, after all, I am still learning and I will never learn if I just shut my mouth. The more I say sorry, the more people look down on me. I have decided to muster the courage to analyze when to say and not say sorry, I know for sure that uncertainty lies ahead. However, if wouldn’t protect myself from manipulative people. Who will protect me? Again, it led me to another uncertain twist of my existence. I became more and more invisible to people who did not like the changes I had made about my self.
The younger me was always taught to fend for my self, the older me was told to succumb to manipulations. The uncertain twists are just too overwhelming and when I chose the one that offers me freedom regardless of its uncertain after-effects, I was happy. I found freedom and I was very happy. Now, the thing is. The harsh upbringing and self-learning the ways of how I have to handle my life, turned me into someone who refuses anyone who dared try telling me what should I and not do.
Another set of uncertainties unlocked, the harder people try the more I distance myself. I couldn’t bring my self listening when nobody has ever tried listening to me, I couldn’t dare feel weak when nobody would want to protect me. My life right now is tied with all the uncertainties that come along with living such an independent life. Questions and what ifs, just glad to admit, I never regretted anything about it.
Every day as I grow older, the more realization I have come face to face with. I know, I am bound to deal with all these uncertain-ties, and I needed to free my self from it. I wanted to become someone who now confronts it directly, offers solutions and solves things in an instant. Risks are still taken, but this time I need precautions. Otherwise, I may never have regretted living this life but one thing is certain. I will be forever trapped in uncertain-ties if I fail to take caution.Â
This is the greatest realization I have come so far….learning how to confront my own uncertain-ties!
