#8 BREAK-UP – still hurts the same
I thought wounds hurt differently, so as got a broken heart for the second time. I once had a 7-year-old relationship, of which 5 years was spent on the normal run. It was something I thought would be with me for a lifetime, until I spent 2 years analyzing of whether or not to fight and hold onto it.
It was disheartening and I was one of the many broken-hearted people who promised not to fall inlove again. Let alone, there was cheating involved. My ex cheated on me which made the pain double, the memories bitter and the days gloomy every day.
But then, just like the others who promised not to fall inlove again. I did, my heart became whole again and I saw a better future – assumed I did. It went on 5 years, straight 5 years of a normal run. Including all the arguments, discussions, and plans for the future and so on. But in the 6th year, it went south – again.
The only promise I can make to someone is that, no matter what happens I will never let go and I will remain faithful to that promise. I define love as something that could MAKE or BREAK you. I can turn you into someone better or I can break you down to the worst version of you.
My 2nd girlfriend, I poured what I can. We are in a long-distance relationship and all I can do is pour whatever it is that I can give. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough for her to feel secure and safe. I still lack at something and she demanded it, as I failed to give whatever that was missing. She violated my ultimate pleading, to never break my trust.
It happened not just once nor thrice, but since I am in no position to act like I was not at fault especially whenever I ask her for her reasons she would say, because you have changed, because I haven’t felt the same emotion, the same feelings like I used to get from you. I felt bad, and in silence, I would ask myself. Was it worth it? Like breaking my trust just because?
I always believe in letting go than cheating or lying. If you are no longer happy with me, do let me know and I will be the one to set you free so you won’t have to suffer anymore. But then, she chose to break my trust many times and I always let it slide for many times as well. Until, she did again. And I went on asking myself do I look like a joke? A pushover?
I spent days reflecting on whatever I had done to turn the person into such a kind, someone who rejected and ignored my pleading not to break my trust again. I shed a river of tears, my heart was breaking. After decluttering my thoughts, I have decided to let the person go. For me, I no longer want to be treated that way and for her, I don’t wish her to become a monster that I’d hate.
I did understand her reasons, but I failed to give what she specifically wanted despite trying my best to give what I could. At the same time, I do think of myself as someone who at least deserves the respect above anyone else does. The love we had for each other had broken us both, me to that person incapable of giving it all and her to that person who chooses to break someone’s heart with lies.
The pain was like how my heart got its first breaking, dreams and plans shattered. I hurt her for being not good enough, and she hurt me for not being good enough. I remember the lyrics from Coldplay and Selena Gomez’ Let Somebody Go…love is equal to the pain.
It doesn’t matter if it’s the first or second or thrice times my heart got broken. As my love is pure and true, so as the amount of pain that it equalled to. Just remember when you are in pain, choose to break-up in calm and respectful manner. After all, that person is the same person whom you shared precious moments with. Cherish the memories, and watch the person fly away with a smile.
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