What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?
There’s nothing wrong with loving your family more than you love yourself, however, it becomes toxic when all they do is latch on to you. Maybe unintentionally, but, it’s still something that should never happen.
It’s how I was raise…
When you grow up in Asian countries, as much as I am aware of. As early as it is, your upbringing always includes the traits of becoming a family-centered child. You are and will be taught how to always prioritize your family, which has led to lots of problems as the child grows up and ventures into the world he or she tried to picture as a child.
Relay…
A common toxic trait amongst Asian families is that things are all done in a message relay game. You are exposed to what each of the members failed to achieve and thus made you the one responsible on achieving it once the message is relayed, and there’s no saying no into it. No is not part of the options given, it’s always a yes and how you make it your way there. It’s all up to you.
I was there…until
I lived that way, choices about how I do my hair, what clothes I wear, what field must I study and what shouldn’t be done and be done shall come from the sole decision maker of my own fucking life. I was told that I must treasure the family, must prioritize it. It was carved into me, as if tattooed and can never be removed. As years pass by, it has grown heavier. I couldn’t breathe, and I was always afraid to do things my way scared that I might get criticised for going against what I was told and taught to do so.
Take note…
The family I was told to prioritise was not even my supporter, they’re but the rocks that have kept me grounded and frozen for my entire life. A chaotic home, I was told to protect. How? When chaos was brought upon by the members of the same household? I was so confused about how the hell I was going to get those obligations, and yet, I still tried to do it anyway.
Will-power…
Obligations back then were the force driving me to keep striving, but it was never enough. Things still reeks of burden, overwhelming enough that I have to always question myself Is this the kind of life that I wish to have? Too heavy and it is wearing me out, most of the time I always end up like a burnt cookie. I couldn’t even get a brighter picture of my future, as I spent everyday trying to survive.
Enough is always enough…
I did everything, I went through a lot. Still, nothing has changed. I battle against my own life, while I strive to give what I was always told to give. I couldn’t bear it anymore, I then reflected, on my decisions and the path that I was on. For one last time, I took a glance at my current life’s condition. I’m far from being happy and I look like I have never been.
Weight…
Until I decided to little by little let go. Remove the things that are keeping me down, I need to remove some of those forced attributes from my mind and body and start freeing myself little by little, surprisingly. It did me well, things are easier and I feel lighter and things are easier. I learned to say no to every favour, favours that are only making me look pathetic other than a giver. For once I said yes, it means I am willing to give my all until I have nothing left in me.
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