I have been down lately, things aren’t going well. I am neither sad nor happy, my 5-year-old relationship, my broken dreams, my struggles and all the things that are trying to test me the hardest way.
Honestly speaking, I have felt that my life is empty but it isn’t sad. Times like that come to me whenever I get to re-assess myself and the things that I have been up to. I have never blamed my parents for the emptiness, not even the slightest thought of it came into my senses. My life as a child was sad and empty, despite that, I tried my best to become stronger and have been looking at things positively.
I used to hate the rain, back then, I was the only child my age who wasn’t allowed to go out and bathe in the rain and join my siblings, cousins and neineighbours, until later on, I found a way to feel the rain without having to go out. It’s that little thing that has taught me to find ways through the impossible. I was jealous of how they were laughing while running around soaking wet and playing tag under the rain.
I became even more patient as a kid, I have never thrown tantrums for not getting what I wanted for I was never allowed to show interest or want something apart from what I was given. There were so many things that I learned when I was young, like still eating properly despite being sick and my head heavy and groggy.
To put it simply, I was deprived of feeling what a child would normally feel. Of course, I am not the only one who happened to experience a traumatic past. I’m writing this to share something that might be relatable to others and could somehow help them analyze their own stories.
I have never had fun at school, apart from being an introverted child. I was always cautious not to become a normal child who would run around and do silly things. I tried that once, from first to third grade. My teachers would tell my mother and I always got reprimanded and banned from doing this and that. My older siblings, four of them, were all honour students at that school. Understandably, two things might have occurred in my mother’s thoughts. One, I should try harder and become an achiever. Two, if I can’t do it. At least I must be at my best behaviour not to embarrass my siblings or my parents.
When I was in High School, I became to sole manager of my school life. Still, I was not allowed to have fun. I was always the house-school kind of child, with no extracurriculars, otherwise, my mother wouldn’t talk to me for a week if I joined a club or participated in school activities. At college, it was the same.
Those things that I have grown with, taught me that I only have two options. One, become a problematic child, rebel and cause my family some problems. Two, become an independent child who could still do better despite rejection and being ignored. I chose the latter I guess, I did my best and I got my self a degree and a diploma.
Was I happy?
I thought I was, I saw my parents very happy back then when I graduated from the university. After two years, I realized. I was like a person who drank an excessive amount of liquor, my life was quite good since I had made my parents happy and proud but I was suffering from a hangover. I was very happy fulfilling what they wished me to fulfil, become a good daughter by being submissive and obedient. I got drunk, and one morning I just woke up feeling heavy with my head underwater.
Be responsible…this was the line my mother gave me and I made it through without causing them any trouble cause I was warned that she would never come to my aide if I caused trouble of any kind if she got called.
I’m happy…a lie I made myself believe. Just so I could get through the emotional crisis that I went through, without anyone to confide in and share my sadness. I knew for sure, it grew inside me. The void in my heart is even bigger than the dreams I have built for myself. It was huge enough that no matter how much I laughed and smiled and thought of positive things, that void was cruel enough to remind me that I was lonely and sad.
I tried to grow bigger dreams, but unfortunately, even when I was already an adult I didn’t get the chance to be treated like a person good enough to bring a dream to reality. I thought I have already been happy. But Nah, I still have moments where I sit in silence and just realize how broken my heart was and how sad my soul is.
I am beaming with positivity yet intoxicatingly overwhelmed despite all the effort. I can still feel the void inside me. I got drunk with all the liquor being offered, they tasted bitter at first but once I got used to the taste. It tasted sweet but surprisingly intoxicating enough to bring me down at my lowest.
My life is like a drunken person’s, and I thought that taking all those bitter drinks from them and pretending it tasted sweetk would make me happy as well. Surprisingly, that longing I had back when I was a child and the thought of just forgetting all the sadness as I have grown into an adult would somehow bring me pure joy. Until I realize, from time to time. That intoxicating taste of my past have brought me the positivity I needed to get over with my sadness and to help me look at life in a brighter perspective.
Future…
While I was writing this, I had received insults twice the day before and another realization hit me. I started learning my way of saying no to things that others are so fond of asking me, and when I tried it for the first time after so many years. I got an insult shut up and stop talking about it if you aren’t gonna do it anyway.
It feels good to remove something that’s been weighing on me, though I need to bear with whatever guilt-tripping (I received one too on the same day) and insults. If I don’t change, my life will stay the same way it was…and I don’t think it’s the right way to live the remaining adulr years that I have.
I hope I’ll eventually become the person that my life deserves to have…someone who cares for himself more than anyone and anything. #lifechange #goalsetting. #betterperson #betterfuture
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