#6 PRICED HAPPINESS
Have you ever?
Feel like you always owe others your happiness? And being happy while they’re not makes you a bad person?
Guilty for being happy!
So Asian!
I don’t know about Western people, but I am sure about Asians. Even before we were born, obligations had already been carved. What and who are we going to be has already been decided!
Obligations!
We were not supposed to stand on our own beliefs and principles, it is as if we are living a theatrical way of life. Our elders narrate the story, of course, according to what and how they wish for it to turn to and we are the actors! We are more likely, puppets, whose moves and words are scripted and provided even before we could speak our first word.
Loving the family is normal, but turning that love into obligation is not something I can be proud of. There are vulgar people, both from my immediate family to lovers. When I smile, I laugh, and I am caught having a good time with friends. They would ask me. WHY ARE YOU HAPPIER WITH OTHER PEOPLE(FRIENDS)? The moment I heard that, I thought to myself. Why do I feel like I have committed a crime for being happy?
Why though?
Okay, I did reflect and confronted my self regarding the kind of issue some have thrown at me. Why am I at my happiest whenever I am with other people? Why is that? Unfortunately to them, I came up with an answer. An honest answer to my self. But before that, I want to cite an example. A situation that has gotten me into a deep realization.
For not being that obedient and submissive to my older sister, she threw me out of her house. It was painful, it was an insult. But okay, it was her house, her rules so I must abide by that. That was the time I was able to get a grip of my independence at around 85% level.
Instead of sulking and minding what happened, I started doing things that I had been dying to do. Go to church regularly, and rest when I am tired, I have all my time under my control. Was able to balance my work and personal life. I became happier and above all more independent especially emotionally. However, due to favouritism, my mother who always would side with my older sister regardless of her being right or wrong then came and talked things out to me.
For goodness, I have so much respect with my mom that I went to my sister and apologized for taking things seriously. It was against my will, and I knew that I’d be paying another price again…my freedom. Before I was back for good under my sister’s shadow, I told her this. AREN’T YOU PROUD AND HAPPY THAT I HAVE BECOME INDEPENDENT AND CAN HANDLE THINGS ON MY OWN ALREADY? I was proud, I gained my pride and I was proud. But, she was, on the other hand, disappointed staring at me with a blank face. NO, WHY WOULD I WHEN YOU GOT IT AND LEARNT IT FROM OTHER PEOPLE?
That was the moment I realized, my sister wasn’t just placing me under her shadow but eventually intended to make me a puppet that she could control at any time she pleased, a prisoner. Things went on, and I was back to my old life. At her house, I wasn’t allowed to frown, we aren’t even Chinese and she had such rule. I shouldn’t feel sick, even with a running nose and under fever I am obliged to be with her at anywhere she wish to go. I am not allowed to leave her home without her, I was stuck.
The answer…
I am the happiest with other people or with my friends, I can be crazy, I can have fun, I can throw jokes, I can eat what I want, I can go wherever I want to go, I can be who I am without having to worry of them not liking me for they don’t mind having a crazy fool, sick sometimes, goes home late, get drunk, wears slippers, I can rest, I am loved and accepted. I was and am allowed to just be alive in my way, and it makes me happy to ever feel the freedom that I have longed for so very long.
I don’t feel the need to owe them my joy, obliged to go wherever they wish, I am allowed to make choices on my own. I was allowed to laugh out loud, I was allowed to be just me. For my sister, those things aren’t important. But for me, those things define the real me, those simple things such as being able to rest whenever I am sick and feeling lazy whenever I am too tired to set foot outside. Those are my features, and those are what’s making me feel me.
No strings, no fake smiles, no fake laughs.
Priced…
My life since I was younger was priced, and the older I get the higher the price is becoming. Whatever I do, I am obliged to submit myself. And it’s making me feel so tired, so damn tired that there are times when I just turn my back on those people who are still making me feel indebted to them. I have already paid them the price, and all I want now is to continue living a warmer life. No fake smiles, no fake happiness…
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