If I were to take a personality test, I’d probably be wondering whether the years I spent were me being me or just trying to fit in. I was an introverted person, a child who grew up not knowing how to connect with others and most of the time she lived was days spent talking to herself. She’d sit on her improvised hammock just right under the floor of the wooden house she lived in.
I have seen quite a lot of things that triggered my young curious mind, and since I have no one to talk to about it. I was used to talking to myself and untangling the thoughts inside my head, I’m a lazy student and I hate studying. The more reason I was distant from my mother and even my siblings as if being different was a crime.
Even when I’m bullied in school, or having a bad day. I have to settle everything on my own, I was always taught to be responsible and settle things on my own. I have grown to love the moon so much, the moon and I had a lot in common. One thing that shines above all, we were surrounded by stars and a lot of spectators. But that doesn’t change the fact that in darkness, we stood there in the cold all independently.
That’s where I got the courage, and the more I got used to being alone the more introverted I turned out. I thought I’d never be able to survive my youth, High School came and it was a complete torture. Kids my age were jolly and sociable, and there was I a teenager who barely moved from her seat and snuggled right at the very corner of the classroom the entire day. I was just glad to have met quite a few beautiful souls on my journey, people who don’t consider me as someone different but someone interesting instead.
I made few good friends, too few that my hands’ ten fingers were greater in number than the friends I’ve gotten throughout. I’ve never been able to grow up properly, and my personality can tell it all. Of course, I’m glad that emotionally I am an independent one. Just that, there were times when I struggled to battle against my chaos and demon. A part of me, inside me, feels empty. Like a void that can never be filled, a missing piece of me that’s lost.
Here’s the interesting part, when I became an adult. I have developed and acquired this extroverted personality. I was already working when I finally was able to get a dose of socializing prescription, I was earning at the same time. I got to share meals made a few friends and learned how to talk eventually. Good for me, and so I found out my greatest talent. I am a funny, hilarious, silly person who’s got the knack of making other people laugh and smile and feel happy.
Becoming an adult has given me a pass or a connection to the world that I have never thought I’d be a part of. I started spending more of my every day, talking, chitchatting, and sharing both casual and work-related conversations with my colleagues turned my other side into a more extroverted type of adult. Just like how Peter Parker acquired his supernatural abilities which made him a superhero, with the line Having great power is having a big responsibility.
Unexpectedly, I transformed into an extroverted adult! That was insane and I was at the same time happy about it. However, it wasn’t enough to abolish the introverted me. It’s like having my yin-yangs in a boxing match, they don’t blend well. There was this insubordination going on right underneath my senses, at some point, I was one hell of a talkie-walkie, to a gloomy cloud, like how both solar and lunar eclipses works.
One has to be over the other, they’re like having an amazing time thug of war. I can laugh all day, and sulk for no reason all night. I can be talkie at night, and just silent like an empty bottle for a day. I even found a new hobby, and I was surprised. After having all the time laughing and talking, I just instantly felt the need to isolate myself. The next thing that happened, I cut connections. I disconnected myself from everyone and the world!
What’s funnier is that people would ask whether I was okay or not but none cared whether I was faking or being genuine about it. Nobody has ever reached out to me and asked what’s going on. It was like standing in front of an empty wall, with nothing but shades of black or white on it. There was nothing, not even a slight reflection of my face. Made me left me with nothing but the feeling of uncertainty, and emptiness and I was drowning in the vastness of my thoughts. Do they even know that I exist? Do they even notice being different? Do they even have the slight feeling of my absence?
Nobody cared to keep me connected when I disconnected from everyone including the world!
The void inside me remained a void, unsettling, haunting, taunting and mocking me from the inside.
And so, it went on. I became even more independent, stronger and colder. I have learned to fake and play with my words. Make them look and feel genuinely warm. I lost interest in becoming seriously connected with anyone, and from then on, I began to treat socialization casually.
Days, weeks, months and years went on. A decade has passed since I moved to another city for a new life, a new start and a new journey. Yeah, I was and have been wandering everywhere trying to fill the void inside me. My personality grew even stronger yet cold.
I met new people and found new friends but was casually socializing and wasn’t even expecting anything not even the slightest possibility that if one day I’d be gone they’d be looking for me. October 5th of this year, I’ve felt this dire need for solitude, silence and peace over peace. No social media, no chats and just go on with writing a lot.
I restricted everyone, left group chats, and blocked and deactivated my social media accounts. Without the expectation that anyone would worry about me, I’m so used to having no one who cares and would dare look for me. I left without notice, just like how I do it every time.
Funny thing, I forgot that two of those I restricted from my chatting accounts have my WhatsApp number. 5 days after I went idle, I’ve received 13 missed calls and a lot of messages. They were worried and had been looking for me, one thought that I might have been depressed and got anxious about the thought that I might commit suicide. She kept telling me, you can talk to me anytime I will help you for that’s what friends are for you know?
I laughed, silly me! I have never expected that even to the slightest possibility. Then another friend messaged me telling me how everyone was trying to look for me, inquire about me and try to locate me. It was funny, for it was the very first time. I was touched, but I was in awe. I might have gone cold already, despite being touched by the kindness and gestures from those people. I kind of not feel anything other than yeah, okay thank you!
Nonetheless, I sent them my sincere gratitude. It was the first time that I tried to disconnect and they tried to keep me connected instead! It was very impressive and if I’m an emotional kind of person, I might have cried buckets of tears for such overwhelming kindness from those friends.
Maybe it’s not yet too late to build a better and more valid connection, or perhaps, it can also be just a bounce of how silence consumed them since I was the most talkative among the others. Well, at the very least. My absence has been acknowledged and received, I got myself perfectly disconnected only to realize that instead, I got even more connected!
(Personal, Reflection, Realization, Relationship, Friendship, Commitments, Connections, Life)
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