I do believe that people come and go, and base in my own experiene the most excruciating pain one could experience are those from people you least expected to inflect you with it. Such as betrayal comes from someone you really adore and admire, and the most painful goodbye comes from someone or would inolve someone you believe to never would make you feel alone and empty. A human mind reacts to even the slightest pain and it sends signal to every senses until it affect one’s emotion, you see my thoughts is complex and I couldn’t really sort it out properly. Having to believe that people come and go, doesn’t guarantee me a painless goodbye although I am capable of setting anyone free when they needed to be freed I still couldn’t find the answer as of just how one should really say goodbye and I mean a permanent goodbye. Back when I was young, I always found my self dreaming about dying young, life was hard really hard and difficult to comprehend for the younger me and I wish to just vanish. However, I have once read of whether or not it is true it came into my head. It was this line that says, those who wishes to die are the most desperate ones who deeply wanted to live longer. Yeah, I guess it’s true though. I was able to come this far, although my life has changed a lot, I cannot deny the fact that there are still unfathomable occurrences trying to take a toll on me. I am not professionally knowledgeable about the effect of stress nd anxiety to one’s health, but I have read a lot of medical published articles and citations of how it shortens our lifespan. I have been battling unpleasant emotions and happenings in my life, sorting things out on my own only to survive the difficult stages in my life and has been trying to survive the pain that’s been inflected on me that I came to this thoughts -at anytime I may die earlier than my parents-. Why? I can feel my body getting weaker, and I know for sure that the stresses and pain and having no one to rely on ever since have already causing deterioration of my health. And just as I thought that I have finally overcame the hardest parts, I am now in this situation where I am constantly thinking and asking my self of -what am I to those people?- I don’t seem to understand of what my purpose is and in general what and who am I to them anymore? With that question, I got into this desire to at least fulfill my intentions until I am 50 years old, and if ever I’d die on that or before I could reach 60 then I can definitely say -I have lived my life to the fullest-. But how do I say goodbye when my time comes? You see, I am confused of whether or not I fear death, for I believe that I will soon be gone when the right time comes and that I do not worry. However, I don’t want to leave my intentions unfulfilled that I have to make up up for those times I have lose and see to it that I get to feel that I have finally fulfilled it around 50 and before 60. Am I being suicidal? As far as I know, I really appreciate life that I have been given opportunities to witness just how life works and I get to feel more of it the longer I live on, that no matter how difficult things are I always have kept a positive attitude in dealing with the hurdles and trials I came face to face with along my journey. I never for once have felt the urge to take my own life even when it was my family who repetitively caused me my suffering and pain. I always have chosen to distance my self and live my life far from them. I have this song in mind that’s been motivating me since I’ve heard it for the fist time way back 2002. The warrior is a child, sang by a local Filipino artist Gary Valenciano and an original by Twila Paris on 1984 which soothed my soul deeply that whenever I am seriously exhausted and tired with my battles. I just need to sing it quietly to remind myself to take a break from anything and anyone. With a soul carved with scars all over, I am now asking my self -how should I say goodbye?- -lately I’ve been winning battles left to rght, but even winners can get wounded in the fight. -people say that I’m amazing, strong beyong my years. -but they don’t see inside of me, I’m hiding all the tears. -they don’t know that I go running home when I fall down. -they don’t know who picks me up when no one is around. -I drop my sword and cry for just a while. -cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child. I have no answer to how I should be saying goodbye, all I do know is that when it is time for this warrior to meet the end of every battles being fought, I would definitely know that I have finally came face to face with the fulfillment of my life and the purpose of my existence. Of whether or not my story touches the people I would be leaving behind, I am quite certain that the life that I have lived will serve as my way of saying my goodbye.
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